I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*