All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
handsome & gretel
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons