Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.