Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow