I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what