My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?