Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot