Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?