Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.