11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.