I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me