wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.