How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk