Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.