Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.