my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.