[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them