If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money