You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.