It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.