Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters