If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.