My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.