Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling