instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
Thank heavens for community notes
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
you could not pay me to delete this app
