lol
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
what’s in a name?
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
Real bees work best
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
Voodoo map
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers