Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
