Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before