At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?