Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza