Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?