You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.