This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle