A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.