I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.