Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.