Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog: