The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought