I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.