I need this for my side hustle.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Never ghost your hitman.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside