The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma