[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.