TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
roses are red
i fall when i skate
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs