I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no