When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers