The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad