My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.