Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit