Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.