Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month