[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
