i wish i could marry a nap
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.